So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize