I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
