i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize