Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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