Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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