All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
