If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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