is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
