tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
