Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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