Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
