The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
