so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
