thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize