i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
