We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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