I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
