if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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