I CAN MOONWALK!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
