He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
