so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
