I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
How's work?
Spinning.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
