He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
