um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize