I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
