uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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