I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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