I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
there is glitter all over my balls
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
