when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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