booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize