my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
