jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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