Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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