I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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