Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
