paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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