Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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