My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
