When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also, beer. Big fan.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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