I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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