I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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