He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
