he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
