If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
