if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
