I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize