I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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