I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
