I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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