tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
