We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
