You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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