i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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