Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
