I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
