and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
