My nipple is on Facebook.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
