Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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