i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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