I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
