Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
