so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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