I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
