my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
