that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
